A HOME AND A FOREIGN LAND: WHEN I CAN NO LONGER MISS THAT PERSON I SPENT MOST OF MY WAKING HOURS WITH.

For me, who have loved way too deep, it’s a death sentence.

It’s the end to my misadventures in a foreign land that turned into home since long ago
An end to the identity we carefully crafted and experimented with
An end to the reality you authored, an end to an era of living in the present.

I laughed at all my (and some of your) hangovers and discomforts.
Because we always knew that sooner or later, life will catch up.
And if we’re not prepared, I’ll meet a version of myself that didn’t fully whole, when I decided to move backwards.

A home and a foreign land.

Part of you will always be left behind the country you once lived in.
Part of you in the home you spent many years in, but are not so familiar with anymore. 
In short, you enter a crisis of sorts.
You’re first met with delusions, where you figure out if those months or years actually happened.
If you actually met the people you spent most of your waking hours with.

Then, you feel anxious about what to do next – if you want to recreate yourself in another foreign country, or stay put where you are back home.

It becomes my lullaby every night.
Eventually, sick of being in my head, my stuffed animals staring at me and your Facebook pictures of the life you live abroad, without losing sight of the feelings you left behind at your other home across the Pacific Ocean.

With the support of both parties, I'll feel better.
Maybe I were never alone at all, even if I'm just around myself most of the time, as I figure things out through this process. 
Regardless of what geographical canvass you live your life in, one thing is constant – I will always be with myself. 

And maybe at the end of the day, the main villain in our story is fear – it decided whether you’d move abroad, decided whether you’d move back home, and determined if you’d decide at all.
Fear is actually a neutral character that can instigate behavior.
So next time you feel it, wherever you are in the world, will you run away or face it?
When you’ve figured that out, you’re finally home.

PS: Cause I don't want to be the reason you don't leave.