A HOME AND A FOREIGN LAND: WHEN I CAN NO LONGER MISS THAT PERSON I SPENT MOST OF MY WAKING HOURS WITH.

For me, who have loved way too deep, it’s a death sentence.

It’s the end to my misadventures in a foreign land that turned into home since long ago
An end to the identity we carefully crafted and experimented with
An end to the reality you authored, an end to an era of living in the present.

I laughed at all my (and some of your) hangovers and discomforts.
Because we always knew that sooner or later, life will catch up.
And if we’re not prepared, I’ll meet a version of myself that didn’t fully whole, when I decided to move backwards.

A home and a foreign land.

Part of you will always be left behind the country you once lived in.
Part of you in the home you spent many years in, but are not so familiar with anymore. 
In short, you enter a crisis of sorts.
You’re first met with delusions, where you figure out if those months or years actually happened.
If you actually met the people you spent most of your waking hours with.

Then, you feel anxious about what to do next – if you want to recreate yourself in another foreign country, or stay put where you are back home.

It becomes my lullaby every night.
Eventually, sick of being in my head, my stuffed animals staring at me and your Facebook pictures of the life you live abroad, without losing sight of the feelings you left behind at your other home across the Pacific Ocean.

With the support of both parties, I'll feel better.
Maybe I were never alone at all, even if I'm just around myself most of the time, as I figure things out through this process. 
Regardless of what geographical canvass you live your life in, one thing is constant – I will always be with myself. 

And maybe at the end of the day, the main villain in our story is fear – it decided whether you’d move abroad, decided whether you’d move back home, and determined if you’d decide at all.
Fear is actually a neutral character that can instigate behavior.
So next time you feel it, wherever you are in the world, will you run away or face it?
When you’ve figured that out, you’re finally home.

PS: Cause I don't want to be the reason you don't leave.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M THIS LUCKY AND WORTH LOVING

Paksalah dirimu untuk mengingat hal ini setiap pagi -selama perjalanan dalam Transjakarta yang membosankan, di saat-saat kecil dari rutinitas harianmu ketika Senin akhirnya resmi dimulai- "Anda sangat beruntung".  
Fakta bahwa ada orang orang yang telah memilih -meskipun itu pilihan terakhir mereka, untuk bersamamu bahkan di saat-saat yang kurang bagus, adalah hal yang magis .  
Hari demi hari cinta jadi semakin membuatmu pelan pelan mati oleh kehebatannya dan kau merasa terlalu sesak untuk sendirian saja. Tapi ketika seorang kawanmu yang mungkin telah muak kemudian setuju untuk menemanimu tertawa lepas hingga menahan pahit tangis, itu lebih dari cukup.

Pikirkan tentang semua hal yang kau bisa berbuat lebih baik jika kau bersikap jujur ​​dengan diri sendiri. Kau mungkin membersihkan dirimu lebih cepat, membuat upaya lebih untuk menjaga suasana hati orang yang tak bersalah padamu, atau paling tidak kembali pulang ke rumah bukannya murung dan membeli minuman keras yang sebenarnya tak terlalu kau butuhkan. Kau tidak akan patah, kau bisa mengangkat dirimu sendiri. Pagi ini kepalaku dipenuhi pikiran tentang hal ini, dan mengingat bahwa mereka tetap mencintai. Terus mencintaiku. Aku berterima kasih karena orang orang memilih untuk memaafkan kekuranganku. Mereka murah hati. Mereka mencintai apa yang baik bukannya membenci apa yang tidak. Ketika kau merasa kenyataan merayap datang dan bahwa sesungguhnya kau tak pernah siap, pada akhirnya, selalu ada seseorang menganggap kau indah dan menerimamu.
Menemanimu.

There is something nice about realizing you are not perfect, but you are still worth loving.

Remember that love is not something that you can save up an excess of and take out when you need some of it at a low moment in the dead of winter. 

Rekaman kebaikan orang orang yang tanpa sadar sudah menyelamatkanku diputar tanpa henti oleh Tuhan setiap kali sendiri: they are your teammate. 
You have someone in your corner, even at the moments you feel most alone.


PS: For my beloved friends, yang selalu ada. Terima kasih ya, you guys are diamonds!

PETUAH YULIANIS

Hari Jumat, 30 Agustus 2013, aku mendengar petuah dari Yulianis, ibu beranak satu yang hidupnya berpindah pindah semenjak ia ditetapkan menjadi saksi kunci kasus mega korupsi yang melibatkan mantan atasannya, Nazaruddin.
Yulianis berkata dua hal yang sangat aku ingat dan renungkan.

"Masa saya harus berbohong seumur hidup saya?".

Itu buat kamu.
Ya, aku memikirkan kamu ketika mendengar ucapan Yulianis tadi.
Dulu kamu pernah bilang padaku kalau kamu paling tidak bisa membohongi diri sendiri.
Semoga sisa hidupmu tidak kau habiskan dalam hal itu hanya karena kita sudah tak lagi berkisah dan buntu.

Yang kedua adalah "Kuncinya adalah ikhlas, kalau sudah ikhlas pasti jalannya akan dilancarkan.".

Yang ini untuk aku.
Aku berharap hari hariku sekarang semakin cerah dan hatiku semakin ringan.
Aku sama seperti Yulianis, menginginkan jalan yang lancar.
Hidup dalam sandera perasaan adalah hal yang sangat melelahkan dan berat.

Aku tau tanggunganku tak sebesar Yulianis.
Tapi hari itu aku belajar dua hal darinya.
Semoga kamu di sana berbahagia karena doaku terus mengiring.
 

LOVE IS THE PERSON YOU THINK ABOUT DURING THE SAD SONGS

Hampir setiap kali aku mendengar lagu yang berlirik sedih, pikiran ini selalu melayang pada sebuah nama.

Sebuah cerita.
Sebuah ujung.
Yang mungkin bukan juga ujung.
 

Aku tidak pernah benar benar bisa mengatakan bahwa kami berdua telah selesai.
Dia pernah berkata dulu, bahwa membohongi diri sendiri adalah hal yang tidak bisa dilakukannya.
But right now I'm playing the part, fooling myself around. 
Berkata pada diri sendiri untuk tidak lagi bicara pada orang yang sebelumnya hampir setiap hari ingin kuajak bicara.

PS: Ditulis pada medio 2013, sekitar sebulan setelah ulang tahunku yang ke dua puluh empat.

SCENT.

Scent might be the only thing left in my mind about everything and everyone.

A hint of Dove shampoo I casually sniffed on a random drug store could instantly get me to exact moment in the past when I swirled someone's hair.
A familiar scent from an ex's head.
I could picturize the moment pretty well, when it comes to scent.
Even if the memories no longer linger and all the wounds seem to healed, the smell carries on.
Funny how I have this kind of feature, but this is interesting.
A smell can awake all everything I buried from even many years ago.

Or a windy night and a motorbike ride.
It was a happy year of college where we didn't even bother with the light rain on our way to a guy's place.
When "Sorry, it's a bit drizzling," sounds just as sweet as the scent filled my nose at that moment.
The thick scent of his sweater that only was a few inches from my body.
A human body's scent, so simple and pure.
Sweats.
Or anything about his sweater's smell.

Smell of my boss' car.
It has a very cute baby car seat, with some dolls and blankets.
I loved to quietly sniff the fabric left on the baby car seat.
Wondering about what her baby looks like, imagining the cutie pie from the typical scent.
A baby scent.

Last month, my Mom delivered me a pack of oil perfumes.
They were a set of various smells, inside tiny glass bottles.
There are 4 of them, with different names.
It was a tiny bottle of Incanto Shine, two of Paris Hiltons, and another one is half full and it got my attention.
That half fulled tiny bottle was called Sarah Jessica Parker's Covet.
I texted her saying thanks and asking what that one weird bottle was about.
Mom said that it was hers.
And she wanted to share with me, so she ended up sending it to me anyway.
I smiled reading her text, she wanted her daughter to smell just like her.
Or to have such clue about what she smells like, anytime I miss her.

This idea about recognizing scents very well, tickles me.
I kept all the crystal clear tracks about grandparents, lovers, friends, and places' scent in my head.
Just as I think of any thoughts about past memories, laughters and tears, every scents arouse my senses to many miraculous moments.

Sad thing is, I never knew what you smell like.

I have no idea about what perfume you use.

Years ago, I ever asked the soap you used, it's called Savoury and I really don't know where to get it here in Indonesia or even how it smells like.

I got no clue about how your body scent is.

I never get to breathe you.

PS: I wrote this piece on another sleepless night, also an accidental celebration to something fishy Google just launched this 1st April, called Google Nose. It's basically a smell-based search engine. It's basically a prank, too.

Meet Teddy, P's dog!

Such a baby, huh?
I fell in love right at the very first time.
Look at his straight face starring at the camera, mouth slightly open, n those fluffy feet holdin on P's car wheel!
I think I kno why P named him Teddy, this baby just really looks like a Teddy Bear, much cuter!!!
And I bet Teddy is the luckiest little creature in the world, cuz P loves to snuggling with him. All day.

A LATE 2013 EARLY STARTER: New Hair Cut, New Twitter Account, and A New Crush

I know, I know, I know it's nearing the end of February..
And I've been not writing like.. ages. LOL.
Bunch of stories to be told, embrace yourself.

Btw I visited Sulawesi Island last December!!!
Yeah it's work thing and I go with co-workers, but still!
I love travelling..
We stayed for 5 days in Makassar, South Sulawesi.
I slept at a not-really-cool hotel near Somba Opu Street.
But thanks God there are still great things n of the best is..., it is located right in front of a beach called Losari!
I swear I haven't been visited any shore for like.. I can't remember how long. :(
My last beach visit was around end of 2011, when I sing at someone's wedding ceremony.
Yes, they held the wedding on the beach on Surabaya, named Kenjeran.
Back to Losari, I had a short beach walk in a very hot sunny day and instantly feel happy!
I never really like Makassar untill it comes to the craaaazy culinary!
I loved the foods here!
I tried Sop Pallu Basa, Cotto Makassar, Es Palu Butung, Pisang Epe, and a hot drink I can't remember the name (it's simply coconut milk with brown sugar and strong hint of ginger, LOVE IT!).
We had great times there, the event done very well and the trip was worth our proccess preparing the show as team!

That was about 2 days away from Christmas Eve and I touched down Bali.
It was only about 4 or 5 hours transit on Ngurah Rai Airport but still, who doesn't love breathing the air of Bali?
I feel like another vacation was about to start hahaha, but I need to catch my (little) plane to Malang after a grab of Burger King in Bali.

Yeah, I'm home last Christmas.
Best things about coming back in Malang is.. every thing!
I spent a hearty coffee time with my buddy Alfonso.
I meet some old friends at church, some with their babies, some just jet-lagged from Seoul!
I had a short hair cut too! My Dad did his another magic right after I asked him to cut my dry-ends cooper hair and voila.
This is me now..

I love my new short hair, it's smooth, fluffy, and most important healthier than my old hair.

I had it recolored to a medium honey brown and loved it as well. ^^

And I spent new year in this fresh new hair cut with my gurls at a Korean Chicken Restaurant near Tulodong, Jakarta, called Phong.

MY TWITTER ACC MOVED TO: @xxxfortunata.

This is one of te saddest thing of my early 2013!!!

bfiwehfiuhfihncwinhqwoeihfqomxjfxpowiep[,wzpowpoifmwepongiwerifqxyiwrgisuhgls!!!!!
I hate to rewrite the tragic story about being hacked n couldn't access it anymore.
I even entered the correct password but still it won't work.
So please kindly follow my new acc with that Twitter ID I mentioned above. ^^
I was unhappy and grumpy with Twitter thingy at the first moments I made the new account but I'm over it.
Cuz I met someone! Now I have my sunshine!!!
<3

PS: Thanks to such Twitter accident, the day I discovered @PaulKimMusic n the rest of interactions within the new acc is...history! ^^